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One of the closest and most valued relationships I currently have in my life is my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years but we have known each other for way longer. We met in elementary school. A small school in a small neighborhood in the Bronx. We were always amazing friends which is one factor that I believe makes a relationship so great. My boyfriend, Isiah, had been my best friend since I can remember. When we were in elementary school we lived just a building away from each other. We would go over to his house to have play dates with him and his twin brother. Those little memories are what we value most in our relationship today. I often reflect on the development of our relationship because we have seen each other grow and come together. Time has flown so fast that we did not realize how far we came as friends when we started dating but I do remember every single big turn in our history together
Much of the growth aspects in our relationship history can be related to topics covered in Kassin, Fein, and Markus Social Psychology textbook chapter 9 on close relationships and attraction. The beginning of our relationship together began in first grade. Isiah and his twin, Jacob, were so noticeable because they were the only set of twins in the class and so very identical, everyone wanted to be friends with them and so did I. Not only were we in the same school and class but they lived just a building away from me. I discovered this when I would walk home from school with my grandpa and see Isiah and Jacob walking in the same direction to the same street. It was hard for me to believe. I related this aspect of our relationship to The Proximity Effect (Kassin, Fein, Markus 2016). The Proximity effect refers to physical proximity or nearness (Kassin). In my case the first attraction I had to Isiah was the fact he was so close to me all the time, going to school, in school, and going home. I believe the fact he was so close to me had to do with the development of our friendship as well as our relationship. I think had we not been as close as we were, things might have been different. Not so much that we were in different classes but if he lived further then the growth may have been hindered. Not only did we go to the same elementary school but we also went to the same middle school. By the time we were in middle school, also in the same classes, it was not just about proximity anymore but the mere exposure effect came into play (Kassin).
Time has passed and Isiah and I are now in middle school which means from first to fifth and sixth to eighth grades I have been exposed to him. The mere exposure effect explains that the more often people are exposed to a stimulus, the more positively they evaluate that stimulus (Kassin). This is exactly what happened in our case, our relationship blossomed because we saw each other positively so often. The more we noticed that we were in the same places at the same time the more we wanted to speak and hang out. Learning about the mere exposure and proximity effect helped me notice how far Isiah and I have come. When we were growing up together we did not understand that these factors are what was bringing us together but now that we understand that we are grateful because it has given us a foundation to build off of.
Although we were in the same middle school which was in the same neighborhood as our elementary school and our homes, Isiah had moved. Even though he moved we still hung out just as much as we did when he lived a building away. It has shown me that Isiah enjoyed being with me and that is when I noticed our relationship was not based solely on familiarity anymore, physical attractiveness began to play a role. The first time I noticed myself being physically attracted to him was when I saw him smiling at me when I was telling a story. For some reason, at this moment I was drawn in by his smile. He had always laughed and smiled with me but this one caught my attention. I knew I was not attracted physically but emotionally he made me happy and luckily enough he felt the same way. At this point, we were about to graduate from middle school, and even though we knew we would be going to different schools we were not worried. We had established a relationship together off the foundation of friendship so it was strong. Isiah and I did not want to think about the distance aspect of our relationship. He had moved to a different borough and would be going to a different high school but we tried our best to focus on the positives. We made time to hang out during the weekdays and ends and we were on the phone a lot. In social psychology, this is called Social Exchange Theory where couples maximize benefits and minimize the costs (Kassin). In this sense, we were maximizing benefits by focusing on the positives and keeping each other happy, and minimizing costs by avoiding arguments over uncontrollable factors. Isiah and I have been unconsciously following this theory since we graduated middle school and I feel it is one thing that has kept us together this whole time.
Another beneficial factor Isiah and I focus on to maintain a healthy relationship is equity. Equity theory is described as the ratio between benefits and contributions is similar for both partners . I think it is important to note that equity is not split in half and by this I mean it is not going to be exactly 50/50 in the relationship. This does not mean that having a relationship where equity is always 60/40 or 45/55 is okay. Relationship equity should vary back and forth in terms of one partner doing a bit more at one point of the relationship and the other partner doing more at another point. In the end, there should be a balance in equity.
Granted, our relationship has not been just peaches and cream. No matter how hard we tried to stay positive and not give in to arguing we have had our fair share of conflicts. As we got older, time became more of an issue for us. We wanted to see each other just as often if not more but high school got serious with the college process and we got jobs. Although we noticed we were struggling with making time for each other we stood together because we knew we still had something beautiful and worth working on. When we did find the time to meet up we engaged in self-disclosure sessions. Self-disclosure is a revelation about the self made to others (Kassin). We decided that self-disclosure would be in our best interest, especially during conflicts, because it was a chance to express our feelings for each other. Although we still have disagreements and small conflicts here and there Self-disclosing has healed our issues which we are thankful for. I think Isiah and I were drawn to using self-disclosure to mitigate our issues because we have always been honest with each other. Self-disclosure has allowed us to learn more about each other and use that information to help grow our relationship. Through communication and conflict, we have learned how to respond better to each other in our rough patches. We have learned that responding negatively because one has done the same only stunts our growth. One time we went a few weeks barely speaking because we kept speaking with attitude and sarcasm. Eventually, we realized that this negativity was hindering our development and through communication, we changed that. Chapter 9 labeled these negative responses as negative affect reciprocity- a tit-for-tat exchange of expressions (Kassin). Ironically, Isiah and I came back to speak to each other maturely the same way after those few weeks passed. Thankfully we acknowledged the harm this style of communication was doing to the growth of our relationship.
As we have grown together I have come to realize how strong we are as individuals which I think only makes our relationship stronger. Often in a relationship, a partner loses themself. By this I mean it is easy for a partner to get lost in their significant other. I believe in order for this to happen a partner would have to not fully develop a sense of self and identity. Not developing a sense of self and then entering a relationship can severely injure the self and the relationship. In my case, Isiah and I have been friends for so long that we have seen each other grow individually. We have watched ourselves develop a sense of self so when we got together we did not lose our sense of I when creating a sense of we. The chapter mentions culture as a factor influencing relationships and it explains individualism leads people to give priority.. to their own feelings (Kassin). Individualism is what Isiah and I have established before coming together and it is the reason we put much thought into tough decisions. We consider our feelings as well as each others considering a relationship is not one-sided. Only thinking about what your significant other feels can leave a partner feeling unwanted and uncared for. That is one thing I would never want Isiah to feel, I care deeply for him as he does for me.
The chapter goes through stages of relationships and the last stage is obviously termination. Although he and I have yet to get to, even near, the breakup stage I do hope that if and when it ends it would be amicable. Isiah has always been and will always be my friend before anything. I value our friendship as well as our relationship but if a relationship is something we cannot continue to have then I hope to have his friendship. He has stood loyally by me and I believe he would want the same if we could no longer continue our relationship. Isiah is my best friend and I could not be happier with him. We both have jobs and go to college full time but he puts a smile on my face as if we were still in elementary school. I am thankful to have someone as special as him in my life and I tell him this every day as he does me. Even while writing this paper I feel closer to him and feel like tracing our development has only strengthened my love for him. I am proud of the growth we have established together and truly hope it becomes more secure as our futures come upon us.
Works Cited
- Social Psychology, 10th Edition – Cengage. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.cengage.com/c/social-psychology-10e-kassin/.
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